Speeches

Mr President! I have nothing against cyberbullying. My entire business model is based on this. If the Commission were really concerned about the well-being of children, it would first stop spending the money of the next 37 generations on senseless shit, over 2,000 billion on military gossip and fracking gas. I want to live in a Europe where Chancellor Merz can be described as a pussy-cracker, where Mrs Strack-Rheinmetall can be described as a werewolf who has not been turned back quite correctly, where you can call a idiot a idiot or a hawk, and where a foreign minister is more stupid than Ribbentrop. Macron and Keir Starmer are said to have to live quietly with the fact that they are referred to on the Internet as the Pimmel that they are. Politicians are well protected against insults, better than the attacks outside on the devices. It is not for nothing that Baerbock, Habeck and the FDP-Trulla have combined over 5,000 ads into the blocked legal system. A polite note for translators: Fotzenfritz is Bavarian and means so much …

Madam President, Why, Mrs Kallas, should I talk to you about Cuba? I just read your autobiography: 432 insignificant pages, in Estonia 80 percent price reduced to 3.99 EUR, hardcover, not available at Amazon. They have as little knowledge of Cuba, Europe and the world as they do of diplomacy, foreign policy or brain surgery. I promise to gain more knowledge from a conversation with my hamster about black holes in dwarf galaxies. I quote the most important statements from your work: “Help! What an ugly photo of me!’ ‘The Polonaise is a beautiful dance.’ ‘I ran as fast as I could in my dress.’ ‘I had eye contact with this younger Air Force pilot. Then I went to the toilet.’ And finally: “The Estonian ambassador had a very strong desire for alcohol, even though it was early in the morning.” I can understand nothing better than that. MEP-Bar, I'm coming! Cuba Libre!

Mr President! I voted against the smoking ban in the EU because I feel bound by a party congress decision. We had only three decisions at the last federal party congress, and one of them was ‘smoking is cool’. At the Bundesparteitag before that, the same motion did not get a majority, because during the vote the whole lung of the party was out – smoking.

Mr President! An EU election will be held in June, although its outcome has long been known. The policy guidelines for the next legislature have already been adopted. They receive a rat-sharp suicide program that denies us access to affordable raw materials and products through trade blockades, while at the same time focusing on armament, debt and austerity. The result can only be the further destruction of the economy and the remnants of the welfare state. This is non-presidency. Europeans are facing the worst five years of their lives, including with Ms von der Leyen at the helm, who, despite ongoing investigations against them, will simply continue. Anyone who intends to legitimize this madness with his voice has lost control of his democratic life. Let no one convince you that this election is too important to vote for small parties. It is too important to keep the big parties going as before. Don't leave Europe to the laity.

Madam President, Excuse me, I was still in a pub. If the EU hasn't had the least to say to Julian Assange in 13 years, that is the most sincere creed it has ever made. Because in this case, it's all about Assange on the surface. It is about law, democracy, law and freedom. It's about government crime and war crimes. It is about the suppression of critical journalism, the abolition of democratic accountability and the dismantling of civil liberties. With Assange, the basic principle of freedom of the press and democracy stands or falls. If the same EU, which has been carrying out elaborate long-term studies on plastic lids on milk bags, has not had the least to say about Assange for 13 years, then it could not show more clearly what society and what values it really stands for. Never forget: Their freedom was not defended in the Hindu Kush. In truth, she is about to perish in a cell of a British maximum security prison, on an area of six square meters.

Mr President! Chancellor Scholz cancelled his Sunday tea with corrupt bankers on the weekend, Foreign Minister Baerbock her appointments with make-up artist and speech therapist. Both prefer to take to the streets for the fight against the right. Lol. The traffic light government is the real secret weapon of the AfD: Gas levy, heating law, kerosene tax, farmers’ victims – in Berlin, narrow-minded misunderstanding rules to the detriment of those who can least afford it. Of course, I am in favour of banning the stupid AfD in Germany. For reasons of democracy, however, I call for a simultaneous ban on the Greens, the CDU, the SPD, the CSU and the FDP, in particular on Mrs Strack-Rheinmetall. Of course, the most urgent would be the Europe-wide ban on President von der M. Leyen. With increasingly irrational moves and without regard to democratic procedures or international legal principles, it has driven the European Union into economic, geopolitical and moral-philosophical ruin. We demand their remigration to the old part, and fast. Thank you very much for putting it on.

Madam President, Congratulations! The EU leadership has managed to do something for a change. She has assisted our value partner, the madman from Baku, to completely wipe out the Democratic Republic of Arzach. President-in-Office of the Council Michel and Mrs von der Leyen have supported Azerbaijan's dictator Aliyev until he has been able to create a fait accompli: 120,000 people bombed and displaced – this is likely to be more than what the EU and its values still believe. With the approval of the Borrells and Baerbocks, international law was abused to force a small democracy under the rule of a primitive dictatorship, whose soldiers are now hunting Armenians in front of a running camera with knives in their hands. As for the lavish words and crocodile tears that they all shed at once, it will show what they are worth if Aliyev incorporates the rest of Armenia, as announced. Values, values, values, Poperte.

Madam President, Just now, a judge named Jonathan Swift, Numero 18 on Britain's list of most corrupt judges, has succinctly rejected all twelve grounds of appeal put forward by Julian Assange. The appeals are almost exhausted, his extradition to the United States is imminent. There, he faces another 175 years in prison for publishing the truth about wars based on nothing but lies. In 13 years, the EU has not done a single word on this case, on which constitutionally protected fundamental rights depend. What are the values we are always talking about here? The values of censorship, information control and mass surveillance, lack of transparency and secret SMS billion-dollar contracts, open erosion of the rule of law and criminalization of journalism? We call on Joe Biden – or what is left of him – to immediately end this pathetic attack on Assange, freedom of information and the press, and thus on all of us, in order to at least restore the appearance of a liberal democracy – or what is left of him.

Mr President! A short message from the European Parliament to Ms von der Leyen: Did you know that because of your deleted Pfizer SMS, not only your commission is now being sued by the New York Times, but also you personally? There was nothing to read about it in the German press. That's why I thought I'd tell you. You will be charged with presumption of office and misuse of title, destruction of public documents and corruption. While every cheese leaf in Germany from the Spiegel to the FAZ has reported on your departed pony, no one is interested in the fact that even the European Public Prosecutor's Office is investigating you. The SMS was about ordering 1.8 billion doses – not Hansa-Pils, but Pfizer – for 35 billion euros. Let me tell you a sentence that probably no man has ever said to you: I want your phone number. You can't do dubious business with anyone as easily as with you.

Madam President, Madam von der Leyen! Talking to Karl Kraus: I have no idea about the state of the EU. To break away from a gas supplier who is waging a brutal war of aggression – Putin – you have sought us one who is waging a brutal war of aggression – Aliyev. Although many German media are silent, the oil dictatorship, which has been declared a trustworthy partner by you, is currently invading democratic Armenia. Respect for this election. After all, our new best friend Azerbaijan is still far behind Russia in terms of democracy, press and civil liberties. Aliyev is only at the forefront when it comes to bribing corrupt CDU honks. When you started your service here, I thought you were just incapable and a bit criminal. By now, I know you're also impressively morally free. At the external borders, refugees die every day, fracking, gas and nuclear power are sustainable at once, and you routinely delete your SMS to the billions of payments to Pfizer. I can't think of anything else about the EU, except: We should not leave Europe to the laity.

Mr President! Dear colleagues from the former People's Parties, once again you are already trying to push through a dubious electoral reform in order to introduce a 3.5% hurdle in Germany to the European elections. This primarily affects our Basic Law and the Federal Constitutional Court, which rejected such a blocking clause in 2011 and 2014. In addition to the HSV and Rheinmetall, the Federal Constitutional Court is the last German institution to enjoy a touch of prestige among the population. And now Groko Haram wants to abuse EU law to bypass the highest German court and seize the mandates of seven smaller parties? How are you going to convince Poland and Hungary of the beauty of our EU law if you are abusing it here to lower democratic standards? Moment: This would even please Viktator Orbán and the Polish PiS party. I'm pulling back the last sentence. I urge you not to introduce unconstitutional laws here. After all, we are not in Bavaria – the protection of the Constitution. Oh, smiley.

Madam President, Dear Ms von der Leyen, instead of explaining to us here in the debate scheduled by Parliament your continued failure to enforce the rule of law mechanism – protecting democracy in Poland and Hungary – you originally decided to visit BioNTech in Marburg. I hereby urge you once again and politely refer to Article 45 of the Framework Agreement on relations between Parliament and the Commission. The Commission – that is you – has priority over competing events when it is asked to attend parliamentary meetings. This also applies to elementary school courses, democracy for beginners 1, hairdressing appointments or pharmaceutical parties. And you can negotiate the next billion-dollar contract with Pfizer again by SMS, but then – you know – don't forget to delete it, Zwinker-Smiley.

Mr President! Didn't you know, Mrs von der Leyen, that the State of the Union speech was actually meant to paint a realistic picture of the EU. Let's draw! The rate of criminal offenders on the executive floor has just increased once again. The Council is now chaired by Monk Janez Janša from Slovenia. Three EU countries have investigated him, he sat for corruption. Cypriot Health Commissioner Kyriakides cannot conclusively declare the receipt of 4 million in her family account shortly after the signature of the vaccine contracts. Today, more than ever, the EU seems to be a well-lubricated apparatus for transferring taxpayers’ money to the private sector, with rhetorical and ethical zeros at the forefront. The state of the Union is best described by the fact that Germany does not talk about the EU, but in the EU about Germany. 16 years of Merkel have divided Europe neatly. I apologise to all our fellow citizens in the East, West, North and South that we have always put the interests of the German economy before their own, and I can assure you that the same will happen in the next 16 years.